I Kissed A Girl
by Criminally Insane Hermit
Summary: Well, it was actually the other way around, and it wasn’t as great as Harry’s dorm mates made it out to be. Maybe he should’ve taken a leaf out of Snape’s book and hid in the dungeons until Valentine’s Day ended. HPSS, HPMany, Slash & Het


A/N: My best friend was listening to "I Kissed a Girl" by Katie Perry, and I could hear it over the phone. It got me wondering what would happen if, for once in my life, I wrote a fic wherein Harry kissed a girl. The answer was obvious- he would hate it, of course. Enjoy!

Note: The war is over, Voldie's dead, and Harry's in seventh year. Don't bother asking, this thing has absolutely no plot and no explanation. Sorry!

Rating: I put it as T, because I figure that that's about the equivalent of 14+.

Warnings: Kissing, slash, het, strong language, insanity, mobs of crazed fangirls, AU after GoF, minor character bashing

Disclaimer: Oh, what I wouldn't give for this to have actually happened in the books.

* * *

Harry glanced around the Great Hall bemusedly, wondering if maybe it was safe to do so. Considering the… decorations, for lack of a better word, the Headmaster had put up; such an action may have been detrimental to Harry's ocular health.

He rather thought the old man was a few lemon drops short of a candy bar.

Golden cupids sat comfortably in niches in the walls, tossing pink glitter into the air and occasionally spearing an unlucky bystander with a gilded arrow. Valentines cards flapped lazily in the air, getting in skirmishes with owls and dropping candy hearts onto the heads of whomever happened to be below. Enormous heart-shaped flower arrangements floated around the hall, sending wafts of rose-scented air to crash over students and faculty at random intervals. It was rather like sitting next to a woman wearing too much perfume. Which, lucky him, Harry was.

"Erm… Ginny?"

She looked around, grinning flirtatiously upon discovering who was addressing her. She leaned in, placing her hand upon his arm delicately, and purred, "_Yes_, Harry?"

He shook her hand off uncomfortably, deliberately ignoring the mildly hurt look that crossed her face briefly. He glanced around the hall, eyes trailing over the heads of the multitudes of other students, before meeting a pair of amused eyes. He pleaded with them silently, desperate for some route of escape, but the eyes just looked back at him mockingly. Harry resisted the urge to stick out his tongue, instead communicating his irritation with his gaze. _Some help you are._ The eyes stared back, although now their owner was wearing a smirk. Harry turned back to Ginny, rather exasperated.

"What… Er, what exactly are you wearing?"

She grinned. "You mean my perfume?"

"…Yeah."

She giggled and said loudly, "How nice of you to notice! I just got it in Hogsmeade. Do you like?"

He shifted, noticing the smug smirk she shot at a gaggle of girls a few seats away, all of whom looked jealous. "It's… um… interesting."

The girls she had smirked at suddenly straightened up, watching the interaction carefully. Ginny frowned. "Interesting?"

Harry shifted again, wishing that Ron and Hermione had not been diverted on the way down to breakfast. They had gone off to deal with a situation involving some fighting students, as was their duty as Prefects. Bloody straight-laced wankers.

"Yeah, interesting… and… er… strong."

From the look on Ginny's face (not to mention the gleeful looks on the faces of the other girls), that answer was not what she had wanted to hear. Not wanting to hurt her feelings, Harry scrambled for something to say.

"But it's also… memorable! You know? I'm… um… not likely to forget it." He offered her an awkward smile, hoping his stumbling not-really-a-lie had worked. Her answering grin lit up her face, and she grabbed his face.

Of course it worked.

Damn it.

The kiss was all wrong. Ginny's lips were full and slick with lipgloss, sliding uncomfortably over Harry's. The only contact was the touch of her lips to his, and her hands gripping his head. She attempted to slide them into his hair, knocking his glasses askew in the process. Neither this nor the unresponsiveness of her partner seemed to deter her, and when she pulled back she looked triumphant.

"You're so sweet Harry!" With that she flounced off, not noticing the whispered conversation the gaggle of girls engaged in when Harry wiped his mouth off with a napkin, a slight look of disgust on his face.

--

"So, what are you going to do now?"

Harry sat with Hermione and Ron in Charms, pretending to work on their assignment (enchanting more Cupids). Around them students shouted out spells and chattered about the day's events, mostly the latter. An oblivious Professor Flitwick stood at the front of the room, seemingly unaware of the inattention of his students. Before Harry could answer Hermione's question, Ron cut in.

"Nothing doing 'Mione. Ginny's been obsessed with Harry since she was little. Sorry mate, but she's going to expect you to marry her now." Harry, who had been preoccupied with hitting his head on the table and bemoaning his fate, leveled a glare at Ron.

"You're getting entirely too much pleasure out of this."

Ron simply snickered, and Harry returned his head to the desk. Hermione huffed.

"Honestly, it's not Ginny we have to worry about."

Without removing his head from the wood, Harry asked, "Really? 'Cause she seems like something to worry about to me."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Don't you know anything about girls?"

"Not really. It's a side effect from having a penis."

"Harry!"

"HA! Brilliant mate."

"Ron!"

"Miss Granger?"

The trio looked towards Professor Flitwick, who stood before them expectantly.

"Demonstrate the charm please."

Slightly flustered, Hermione turned towards the stationary Cupid statue and pointed her wand at it. "_Alacritas_!"

The statue jumped into the air, entering its first flight awkwardly. Flitwick awarded points and practically bounced away, hailing Hermione's ability as he went. Hermione turned back to the other two.

"The problem isn't that Ginny kissed you," she began in a low voice, "It's that she did it in the Great Hall, where everyone could see. They know that you and Ginny aren't officially dating, so they're going to take her action as a cue to move in."

Harry paled. "Move in!"

Hermione leaned back in her seat.

Ron dissolved into another fit of snickers.

Utterly horrified, Harry looked around and saw Lavender and Parvati leering at him.

Oh shit.

--

Harry looked around suspiciously, the hair at the back of his neck standing straight up. It was surprisingly warm out for mid-February, and so for the first time in months it wasn't that bad to have break outdoors. Harry was sitting out on a bench with Ron and Hermione, discussing the anomaly that was the Hogwarts Faculty. Well, Ron and Hermione were discussing. Harry was watching the crowds, being paranoid.

You couldn't really blame him though; he had been ambushed three times already since Charms, and break had only just started. Luckily he had been able to escape, and he was glad he had his two best friends with him, as they were likely the only thing keeping the masses of girls away. On the down side, they wouldn't stop laughing at him. Hmph. Wankers.

Hermione's voice dragged him (momentarily) out of his paranoia-induced observation of the immediate vicinity.

"-it's just so strange! I mean, one little holiday turns Dumbledore insane-"

Ron broke in. "Um, sorry to break it to you, but Dumbledore was already insane."

Harry snickered, but Hermione plowed on as though there had been no interruption.

"-Hagrid becomes some sappy old giant-"

"Hermione, Hagrid already-"

"-Flitwick suddenly becomes annoyingly excitable-"

"Hermione-"

"-and McGonagall starts acting like Snape on a bad day! The entire staff goes crazy!"

"I think insanity is a prerequisite when applying for a job at Hogwarts."

Hermione shot Harry a dirty look. "And that's just the staff. The students go nuts as well. I don't see why!"

Harry shrugged. "Overexposure."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "My point is that it's just one holiday, and it's not even a real one. I don't see what the big deal is!"

Ron looked at her thoughtfully. "If McGonagall acts like Snape on a bad day, what does Snape act like?"

Hermione frowned. "Um…"

"He hides in his rooms."

Ron and Hermione looked at Harry. "Huh?"

He grinned and gestured around the courtyard. "He's always prowling around outside at break, taking points and assigning detentions. He's not here, and he was only there briefly at breakfast. My guess is that he's hiding until Valentine's Day ends."

The other two snorted, but before they could actually reply a commotion caught their attention. One moment they were there, next they were disappearing into the crowd, trying to break up whatever fight had erupted. Harry sighed and leaned back, tilting his head up to the sun.

There was a rustle of clothing and two voices chirped out a greeting. "Hey Harry."

He cracked open his eyes reluctantly, looking around for whoever had addressed him. Finding them was easy, as they had situated themselves on either side of him.

"Hullo Parvati, Lavender."

They giggled. Ugh, how he hated giggling.

"How's it going?" Lavender asked, fluttering her eyelashes. Harry shrugged.

Parvati pouted. "Oh, come on. You can talk to _us_."

Harry gave them an appraising look, then tilted his head back again and closed his eyes. He _really_ hoped that they got the message.

A hand touched his face.

Of course they didn't get it.

Damn it.

This kiss was wrong as well. There was, once again, that abomination known as lipgloss. Lavender then, seeing how Parvati hadn't been wearing any of terrible stuff. This was more forceful than Ginny's, but still too soft, the lips too full. Lavender pulled away, but before Harry could do more than snap his head up and open his eyes to glare, Parvati snuck in a kiss.

He pushed her off and extricated himself from the two girls, who had somehow managed to maneuver themselves so they were both sitting on his lap. He stood and glared at them, before dashing off.

He really needed to find Ron and Hermione.

Harry slipped through the crowd with the ease of someone who had spent the past six and a half years of his life navigating crowded hallways. However, he could see his friends nowhere. He was so busy looking that he didn't notice when he bumped into a girl. He didn't even get out a sorry before she was on him, kissing him as if he were about to disappear. Which he planned to, as soon as he could get her off. He stepped back, darting around her, and continued on his way. This time he was more careful to avoid other girls.

Not that it did any good.

Four assaults later, he managed to find Seamus and Dean who, after laughing uproariously at his predicament, told him that Ron and Hermione had escorted the fighting students up to the Headmaster's office.

Bloody. Fucking. Wankers.

"Harry!" a feminine voice called from behind him.

He _really_ needed to find Ron and Hermione.

--

Harry sighed as he walked down a hallway, making sure he kept to the shadows. Of course, the _one_ _week_ that he didn't have his invisibility cloak, the one week he left his cloak anywhere other than his trunk- and it had to be this week. Even worse, he'd had no time to get it, as he had been avoiding the masses. He had caught up with the other two thirds of the Golden Trio in Transfiguration, but he'd opted out on eating in the Great Hall. Instead the three had hid away in the kitchens, the only decoration-free place in the castle. They had then gone off to double DADA, then Herbology. Harry had a free period before dinner, but Ron was off to Muggle Studies (which he had taken at Hermione's insistence), and Hermione was in Ancient Runes. Harry spent the time out of their protective company searching for safe, female-free areas in Hogwarts. Unfortunately, they seemed to be everywhere. Even boys lavatories. _That_ had definitely been a shock.

Of course, there _was_ one place where there were no girls. Or at least, not to Harry's knowledge. An even bigger bonus was that this place just happened to be where Harry had left his cloak. Harry turned and started to head towards the stairs-

-and ran right into Romilda Vane.

Damn it, damn it, damn it.

Harry was coming to the conclusion that all girls kissed in the exact same way. Soft lips- always unnaturally full, arms around his neck with hands in his hair, press forward but expect him to deepen it or pull them close. Some a little more forceful than others, but never forceful enough. Unexciting. Unoriginal. Uninspiring. The only consolation was that this one wasn't wearing lipgloss or lipstick. Harry had discovered that the latter was much worse than the former, as lipstick was harder to wipe off.

He pulled away, glared, and moved past her. He had long since stopped attempting to be polite or explain to them that _no_, he didn't want to kiss them. He turned a corner-

-and stepped right into the path of a gaggle of girls.

He stared at them for a stunned moment, noticing with relief that the corridor he had stepped into went two ways, and that the other way was clear. He turned on his heel and ran.

With shrieks of delight, the girls gave chase.

--

Harry careened around yet another corner, panting heavily. Astonishingly, he had been unable to lose the pack that he had run into on the fifth floor, and by now they had been joined by even more girls. Didn't _anyone_ have class, besides those two people who Harry relied on to keep the rabid beasts _away_?

"He went that way!"

Apparently not.

He was in the dungeons, which he was extremely glad for. This, at least, gave him a few options. If he could just make it far enough, he could take the less risky one. If not, he might end up dissected and used as potions ingredients.

"We're gaining on him!"

Chance he'd have to take.

Making sharp turn, he raced down a familiar corridor. Merlin, he hoped this worked. Luckily, the door he needed was already open, so he didn't waste any time before skidding into the classroom.

A startled group of first year Slytherins and Gryffindors looked up at him. Wow, he hadn't been _that_ small when he was their age…

"_Potter_!"

Harry turned his head and grinned at his irate Potions Master.

"Hi Professor!"

"What, precisely, are you doing?"

The sound of footsteps pounded in a nearby corridor. Harry jumped.

"Hiding. Excuse me."

And with that, he darted into the supply cupboard and shut the door tightly.

Now was the tricky part. He could hear the pack of girls getting closer to the classroom. They would arrive any second. If Snape decided to be a bastard and give away Harry's hiding spot away, he was trapped.

Harry had the sudden urge to pray.

"Professor Snape! Have you seen Harry Potter?"

_Damn it, damn it, damn it…_

"Get out of my classroom Miss Vane!"

"But Sir-"

"I could really care less about you, or Potter, so get out before you and all your friends get detention for the rest of the year!"

Then there was disappointed mumbling and the sounds of shuffling feet. Harry sighed and leaned against the door in relief. Boots clicked on stone floors, and Harry fell backwards as the cupboard door was yanked open.

"Get out."

Harry regained his footing and grinned at Snape, who was glaring at him imperiously. "Thanks Professor."

Snape scowled and pointed at the door. "Get out before I have to remove you bodily."

"Sure thing!"

"And next time you wish for a place to escape from your fan club, hide in McGonagall's storage closet."

"McGonagall doesn't have a storage closet."

"_Out_ Potter!"

Harry waved at the giggling class, gave his Professor a two fingered salute, and dashed out the door.

--

Finally, somewhere he could finally escape the masses.

He strolled into the familiar suite of rooms, removing his robe and placing it over the back of an armchair. He toed off his shoes, loosened his tie, and undid the top buttons of his shirt. Comfortable, he moved into the kitchen, intent on breaking into the alcohol cupboard that he knew was just off it. It had taken him awhile to convince the owner of these rooms to let him drink, and damn all if he wasn't going to use that privilege. After the day he'd had, he deserved some brandy.

He smiled, knowing the look Hermione would have given him if she knew he was drinking on school grounds. It wasn't as if he was going to get _smashed_…

Great, now he was rationalizing his behavior to himself. He really needed a brandy.

With a sigh, something Harry felt he was doing entirely too much of lately, he placed his hands on the cool countertop. He hung his head and slumped, attempting to catch his breath. He had run straight from the Potions room to here, and he was so glad to be able to relax. He didn't move a muscle when the portrait guarding the entrance swung open and shut, nor did he react to a pair of arms wrapping themselves around his waist from behind.

A deep, amused voice sounded in his ear, and he felt the brush of thin lips on his neck. "Bad day?"

Harry groaned, sinking into the embrace. "The worst."

He could practically _hear_ the smirk in his lover's voice. "Shall I make it less so?."

Harry turned around, making sure not to dislodge the arms. "You'd better."

Dark brows rose over even darker eyes. "Really?"

Harry scowled. "Yes. Severus Tobias Snape, you owe me. _You_ got to hide in the dungeon all day, and _I_ got to be chased by a herd of rabid females."

Severus snorted, rolled his eyes, and leaned down for a kiss.

The thin lips moved firmly against Harry's own, and Severus barely paused before tightening his arms and deepening the kiss. He knew what Harry liked. The counter dug slightly into Harry's back, and Severus remedied the problem by walking backward into the living room. The kiss broke for a moment while Harry pushed off Severus' outer robe, then it resumed. Off came Severus' shoes, then Harry's tie, Severus' tie, undo more of Harry's buttons, kiss…

Severus pulled back, leveling a glare at Harry. "You've been drinking my brandy."

Harry shrugged. "Do you blame me?"

Severus laughed, shook his head, and leaned down for another kiss.

* * *

A/N: Ah! Fluff! What have I done?! Oh well, what's a Valentine's Day fic without some fluff? I know that it's not Valentine's Day, but I couldn't help myself. I actually hate the bloody day, but I figured it'd make a good fic. Tell me if you agree, please review!


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